Crippled

Dear Typewriter,
I have not written in a long time because I was involved in a painful accident. Allow me to explain: As I was coming home from a game of shuffleboard one night (purely spectating), I thought I spotted a silver dreidel at the bottom of a subway station. As I always do when I am in a hurry, I descended the steps 9 at a time, but it slipped my mind that I am not so young anymore, and I landed on my backside. Then as I was standing up to brush myself off, a mugger shot me in the finger. Unfortunately it was my typing finger. If you have ever been shot in the finger, you will understand the shameful realization that you may never wear a glove that fits properly again. To make matters worse, the mugger was never caught because due to my damaged finger I was unable to point out to the authorities the direction in which he fled. It has taken me an entire month of rehabilitation, but I am almost back to my regular typing speed (1.7 words per minute, thank you very much).

Being an old khoyle for these past weeks has put things into perspective for me. Here is a list of things I was unable to do without the use of my index finger:

-dial a rotary telephone
-pick my nose
-call an elevator
-stir my coffee
-dial a touch-tone telephone
-give a rectal examination
-give the "peace" sign
-reenact any scene from the movie "E.T."

I experimented with scotch taping the Nintendo Wii to my hand (Alas, I still do not know the mystery of this machine), but I ruled out that it was not a prosthetic finger when I went to shake hands with my rabbi's cousin Murray, whose right hand is a briefcase that snapped closed over my hand and stole the Nintendo from my care. Tonight I will pray for its return. Praying is all we can do because Herschel says that all of his money is tied up in some sort of sex gamble. What about my money, I said, and he said shut up old man, you have no money. 33 years old and he still has not told a joke I can understand. I am writing a note to myself to buy him a joke book, or a copy of "Encino Man" on VHS cassette tape.

-Sol