Hanukkah Begins

Dear Typewriter,

Today is the first day of Hanukkah, and I would like to share with you some of my old family traditions. They go back a long way, as I have been celebrating Hanukkah my entire life, except for a period from 1971 to 1975 in which I celebrated Kwanzaa. This did not happen by choice, but because I was forced at gunpoint to be a black man for four continuous years.

At sundown, we begin by lighting the first candle on the menorah, along with the center shamash candle. Then you light the second one and are smacked by your mother or father because you are not supposed to light the second one yet. Also, this makes God hate you and ruins Hanukkah. I have never understood why ruining Hanukkah is part of the tradition of Hanukkah, but these things work in mysterious ways. I have already passed the ritual down to Herschel, and because I am getting old, he has taken to smacking himself for the second-candle blasphemy. Herschel has also added his own tradition to the lighting, which is to light a cigarette on each candle that is lit, but this is not a real tradition because it is forbidden to use the candles in any way. Herschel is, in fact, no longer recognized as Jewish by anyone of the Jewish faith as a result of this offense. He did not take it well last year when my first Hanukkah gift to him was the returning of his foreskin, enclosed in a locket that also harboured a photo of his circumcised penis with a red prohibition circle over it. Not to worry; I followed it up the next day with a silver mustache comb.

Once the candle has been lit, it is customary to say three blessings. I like to spice this part up by reciting them in the voices of the Three Stooges, one for each blessing. My favourite is the "Curly" blessing, because I get to lay down on the floor and "run" in a counter-clockwise circle. But, as I mentioned, I am getting old; last year I laid down to do it and went to sleep for eleven hours.

Another custom on Hanukkah is to partake in feasts of fried foods. It is not often that I eat fried food, but I have discovered that if you pay an extra $7.50, you can get McLatkes at McDonald's. For $25 more, you can get two McPontshkes. These are a lot like McLatkes, except they are called McPontshkes. Herschel tells me you can also get a "Happy Ending" there, but whenever he emerges from the back he does not look happy. I went back there to see for myself and a group of Asian ladies laughed at me. I laughed, too. It seemed happy to me.

When Herschel was a boy, I decided it would be a fun thing to do if I snuck into his room at night and slipped his Hanukkah gelt under his pillow. This led to a disproportionately massive web of lies causing him to believe that the Tooth Fairy was Jewish, married to a leprechaun, and lived in a tower in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I pretended to take him to said tower one summer in 1980, but it was really just a phonebooth on top of an outhouse, each one occupied by homeless people that I had paid to wear tooth fairy and leprechaun costumes. Herschel later married both of them at the same time.

I must be going now, as I can see that the snow is falling and I was hoping to count the number of snowflakes descending so that I may report it to the local weather station in hopes that someone will tell me I am good at weather.

Happy Hanukkah,
Sol