A Healthy Lifestyle

Dear Typewriter,

It has been a long time, and there is much to reflect upon. I am older now, but my personal physician, Dr. Goldman, assures me that I still have "the body of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, if he were starring in a body-switching movie with Kirk Douglas." He has praised my health at every turn, even going so far as to say I am "highly capable of breaking both hips at once" and "robust in my pestering him for a lollipop." My son Herschel has not been to a doctor since he was 13 years old; due to an unfortunate mix-up at the health centre, his health card identifies him as a retired diving horse with crippling gout, and only veterinarians will treat him. We have tried for years to correct this error, but none of the doctors understand what Herschel is saying because they do not speak horse. I fear that Herschel himself may also be confused on the matter of his own species, as he continues to accept the horse tranquilizer offered to him by his veterinarian.

"Sol," you ask, "Please tell me all of your divine secrets for longevity and good health before I die a tragically young death like Bob Hope!" (Please note that you did not really ask this. Please also note that the previous note was for me, because I did not recall typing this question, which resulted in the further delay of this journal entry, as I threw my haunted typewriter out the window and was forced to obtain a new one after serving a brief sentence for manslaughter when the airborne haunted typewriter struck eight children on a bicycle. I do not know how all of them fit on the same bicycle, as the typewriter was quite large and crushed all remains of their octo-passenger witchcraft contraption.) Because I feel obligated to comply when I have something to offer, here are some of my top secret tips for healthy living:

1. Relaxation. In Hebrew, we have a saying: "Sleep is the doorway to not dying, unless you die in your sleep, in which case it leads directly to a different door that is not so good, so maybe don't sleep sometimes if you think you might die, hm?" I try to get anywhere from 18 to 23.5 hours of sleep every day, but this is not always possible due to circumstances beyond my control, such as Daylight Savings time, or Dame Edna hosting a 24-hour telethon on PBS. In that case, it is important to find other ways to relax. My son Herschel has graciously recorded a relaxation tape for me on his high-powered 8 track machine. This tape emits a variety of sounds, including kazoo music and shattering glass, with the occasional female scream, which I find soothing because the tape has already confirmed that there are women present to clean up all of that broken glass.

2. Aroma Therapy. Many think this would fall under Relaxation, but that is not true. The nose is a tunnel that leads straight to our insides, meaning that what you smell becomes a part of you. This is also the excuse our neighbour Larry uses whenever I ask him why he is eating our garbage. To utilize Aroma Therapy properly, I recommend compiling a library of smells that you can access on a daily basis. Mine is an old blanket provided to me by my son Herschel, which is covered in a number of stain patches so that each area is of a different scent: from grape juice and mud, to dried blood with a hint of pine needles, to smoked meat bordering on new car smell, each whiff fills my lungs with the youthful energy of life and loose blanket fibres with a possible asbestos component.

3. God. If you are an atheist who is laughing right now, allow me to save your soul by telling a joke so that you may claim it as the thing you were laughing at: How many stochastic matrices does it take to screw in a series of lightbulbs exponentially multiplying by a factor of eight? ...238 billion! (My accountant assures me that this is a hysterical piece of wit, but I have been unable to calculate the correct punchline.) Now that you have finished holding your sides with laughter, allow me to explain: like a loving mother, God has the power to both hug you around the corner where her friends can't see you and slap you in the back of the head every time you let her friends see you. To put it simply, I believe that if you keep God happy, he will let you live. If you make him angry, he will also let you live, but you have to host America's Got Talent for seven years. Every morning, I make an offering to God by burying various breakfast foods under a holy tree in our front yard. These, too, get dug up and eaten by our neighbour Larry, which has briefly caused me to consider whether Larry might be God. This, of course, is not possible, as God would be physically and morally unable to clog our downstairs toilet with used prophylactics.

4. Diet. It is very important to eat specific foods rather than the general idea of food, as ordering "meat group" at a restaurant can cause confusion and a lot of yelling. For example, studies have shown that not eating Snickers bars can transform you into B-list celebrities. I do not eat Snickers bars, as I do not like my food to be amused by my eating it, but Dr. Goldman consistently reassures me that I am in no danger of transmorphing into Hulk "The Rock" Hogan. Now here is a special secret for my friends from Internet, told to me in confidence by Rabbi Schweinfarb on his deathbed: The quality of your diet is not determined by what you eat, but how you chew it. He then choked to death on the sip of water he was attempting to chew. But each time I am treating myself to delicious matzo, I am reminded of Rabbi Schweinfarb's bloated, wheezing face as I struggled to save his life by way of squeezing the water from his throat, and his message inspires me to use the extra teeth I carry in my pocket for additional chewing power.

5. Kathmandu. This is not an activity, but a holy city in central Nepal where I have observed numerous benefits to my health after visiting. For one, it is home to the fabled "Fountain of Youth." Many see this fountain as a myth, but I have tasted its water with my own mouth and can attest that, afterwards, the children who were lined up behind me stopped chanting "Hurry up, grandpa," and began screaming "Move, mister!" At my hotel, I was suffering from a potent headache when I was approached by a lovely Gypsy couple who smiled a lot. The man told me that he could help me feel better for a mere 20 rupees. I paid gladly, but they only stood there giving me looks like they were waiting for something, then shrugged and walked away. Healing shrugs must be an ancient Nepalese tradition, because my pain dissipated immediately. I wish I had had a chance to thank them, but I did not see Binit nor his wife Bhetter again. I recommend taking as many vacations to Kathmandu as possible, because it is such a caring and generous place. Whenever I would witness a poor, disease-ridden individual writhing through the streets singing of their agony, the locals would come to their aid and apply yet another ancient technique, this one involving sawed-off bedposts being swung into the sufferer's torso for several minutes. This method has a success rate of 100%, as they are no longer complaining of their troubles when the process is over.

That is all I can reveal to you at this time, but I hope you find this advice useful. I must be going now, as intruders have entered my home and I must show them where my valuables are so that they know where roughhousing is off limits.

-Sol