Love?

Dear Typewriter,
I think I have fallen in love with a shiksa. I was watching a program on my television set when suddenly I am beholding the most angelic and charismatic woman I have seen since my ex-wife, who is a klafte. Her name is Edna, but I suspect she has been lady-knighted by the Queen of England because everyone was referring to her as "Dame Edna". I tried to tell her that I was aroused by her lovely pointed glasses, but she could not hear me. I am going to ask my son Herschel if he can help me remove the glass screen from my television set, as I suspect it is soundproof and is preventing me from scoring.

Speaking of glasses, people are always asking me about mine. Today while I was riding the bus a little boy asked me if I was going to see a 3D movie. I told him about my eye condition, and how I can only see colours properly if they are filtered through red. Then he threw up on my lap, so I went home to change my pants.

Here is a list of things I would like to do to Dame Edna:

*Deleted.* Trust me, you do NOT want to see that list! - Herschel

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I always get nervous at the doctor's office, because I am worried that they will discover the cancer I have been hiding in my liver. That is a joke for all of my doctor friends. I of course had my liver removed years ago due to an ingrown toenail. But in all seriousness, the reason I worry is because a blind rabbi once told me that the series of pimples on my left shoulder spells out "mageyfe" in braille. I am going to ask Dr. Goldman if it is okay for someone to be afflicted with braille.

I have to go now, because I am hungry and the restaurant across the street closes in twenty minutes. I think I will order the honig special.

-Sol

P.S. I wonder if Dame Edna likes her chicken soup with Shkedei marak. I will ask my television once I return.